


In Memoriam

by Shadowstalk (NeoDiji)



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Murder, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:03:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoDiji/pseuds/Shadowstalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kallen felt sick to her stomach as she twisted her pocketknife deeper into Suzaku's gut, but she HAD to do this. For Zero's sake. AU from episode 18 of R1. No outright pairings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Memoriam

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. Code Geass belongs to Sunrise, CLAMP, Bandai, etc. The only profit I receive is the joy of writing for the sake of writing.
> 
> Warnings: Major character death, violence, angst. Do not read if triggered or offended by such things. No outright pairings. Possible OOC-ness, depending on interpretation. It's all in good fun. Yay, ideas.

It had been almost too easy for her to get him alone.

Kallen was shaking from the enormity of what she was about to do, but she managed to keep her wits about her long enough to realize that stabbing Suzaku in the middle of a crowded party would be suicide. So she'd carefully concealed her weapon as she'd adopted her meek, frail schoolgirl persona and abashedly interrupted the newly-instated Britannian Knight from his conversation. She didn't pay attention to any others, keeping her focus solely on him--her target.

"Um, Suzaku, may we talk?" Kallen requested, sidling closer and ignoring the disappointed groans of the people around them—the Britannian students who were dying for a chance to talk to Suzaku now that he was suddenly worth something in their eyes. "...In private?" she clarified, voice dipping to a soft murmur.

Suzaku's green eyes gentled and, with a nod, gestured for her to follow him. He led her into the deserted Club House kitchen; Kallen vaguely wondered if it was part of Lelouch's suite. At least since it was a kitchen, there would be other weapons nearby, should she need them. "What's up, Kallen?" Suzaku invited, spinning around to face her—only to turn right into her readied blade.

Kallen felt sick to her stomach as she twisted her pocketknife deeper into Suzaku's gut, but she _had_ to do this. For Zero's sake. Tears blurring her vision, she yanked her knife free and plunged it into his body a bit higher, into his heart. She repeated the stabbing process a couple more times, finally holding her knife close as she stepped back. She had to make sure to get the job done. He had to die.

Gaping, eyes glazing over, over-trusting Suzaku fell to the floor. It was clear that he'd been completely unsuspecting—after all, why would his mild-mannered and sickly classmate suddenly try to kill him out of the blue? His mind was both racing and slowing as he lay in a growing pool of his own blood.

For once, Kallen thanked her double-life cover story. It had worked to her advantage, and she'd been able to take Suzaku entirely by surprise. He didn't even yell or try to fight back, which made something in Kallen's heart scream a little louder.

Eyes still wide, Suzaku managed to croak, "Kallen...why?"

Kallen wiped at her eyes and sniffled, casting a critical eye over his injuries. They _should_ be enough, but she had to make sure he was dead before fleeing. It wouldn't do if he somehow survived and pointed the finger at her. Clearing her throat, feeling that despite his traitorous allegiance to Britannia, he still deserved an explanation for why a friend had stabbed him, she answered roughly: "Because you're in Zero's way."

Suzaku choked on a breath. "You...but...Zero...wanted me dead?"

" _ **NO!**_ "

Kallen's head whipped up, and she cursed herself for not securing the area properly as Lelouch Lamperouge—Suzaku's _best friend_ —stumbled into the kitchen. The schoolgirl terrorist felt that nausea churn even more. As much as she disliked Lelouch for his smug and lazy attitude, she'd never wish him the pain of seeing his best friend die before his eyes. She took an automatic step back, bumping into a cabinet as she watched her target sputter. She felt her legs go numb.

"Suzaku! Suzaku!" Lelouch called, sounding frantic, and knelt beside the fallen Knight. The Japanese boy's blood soaked into Lelouch's uniform pants, but the Britannian boy didn't seem to notice as he hurriedly put pressure on his friend's wounds. His hands were trembling as he pressed down, hard, and tried to take out his cell phone. It fell out of his shaky grasp, hit the floor, and slipped in Suzaku's blood.

Suzaku painstakingly rolled his head in Lelouch's direction and offered a weak smile. "It's okay, Lelouch," he said, voice low as he started to struggle for breath. It was clear now he'd be dead by the time the paramedics could even arrive. He held up a bloodied hand and Lelouch, used to offering comfort through touch from his years with Nunnally, instinctively reached to hold Suzaku's hand between both his own. Suzaku sighed, somehow satisfied, and his eyes grew a little glassier as he mumbled, "This is...it for me..."

"No!" Lelouch screamed, and Kallen felt a shiver go down her spine at the raw desperation in his voice. If only she could force her legs to move while they were distracted...she had to escape...

But Lelouch had already seen her. Did she have to take care of him, too? Kallen bit her lip, revolted with herself for even thinking of it. Lelouch wasn't in Zero's way, and the Black Knights weren't cold-blooded killers. She'd known coming into this that there was a high probability of being caught, and she was willing to sacrifice herself if need be. For Zero's sake.

Suzaku closed his eyes for a long moment, and Kallen thought it was over. Then he miraculously opened them again and locked his gaze onto Lelouch's. "This is...irony...at its best..." the Japanese boy gasped.

Lelouch shook his head adamantly. "No, Suzaku, no. You're not your father. You don't deserve—this wasn't what I—you can't die, dammit, Suzaku, live! LIVE!" He leaned his face a little closer to his friend's and kept hysterically ordering the dying boy to pull a miracle.

Kallen looked to the floor. There was no way Suzaku could possibly survive. He'd lost too much blood, and his time was running out.

Suzaku chuckled weakly and his hand twitched in Lelouch's grasp. "Sorry," he mumbled, apologetic to the end. "Lelouch, let me...go in peace..."

"You idiot," growled Lelouch, but the tears in his voice revealed his suffering. "Fine then. Die like you've always wanted."

Kallen's head jerked up at that. Suzaku had _wanted_ to die? How come? Is that why he hadn't fought back?

Lelouch moved a bit closer to his friend, still gripping his hand. "But you won't go through it alone," the Britannian boy vowed, sounding unusually serious. "I'll stay with you until the very end."

Suzaku's eyes brightened with gratitude and affection, and he kept his gaze trained on Lelouch's until the light in them snuffed out forever.

Lelouch sucked in a pained breath, and tears fell from the corners of his eyes as he buried his face in his friend's unmoving chest, above the bloodied wound. Tremors wracked his body, and when he lifted his head a moment later, Kallen was taken aback by the extraordinary rage and purpose in his expression.

Lelouch Lamperouge had _never_ looked like that.

It chilled Kallen to the bone.

"Go," Lelouch snarled, snapping the order at her.

Kallen swallowed thickly and forced herself to take a step without even thinking about it. A feeling of pins and needles shot through her legs, and she stumbled. Catching herself on the kitchen island, she managed to stand and move forward again.

Lelouch's deadpan voice stopped her in the doorway. "Leave through my back door. It'll be easier for you."

Kallen felt her mind swirl with questions. Lelouch was helping her escape? She'd just mercilessly killed his best friend, and he was obviously devastated! Why would he...? But she didn't have time to figure out the answers, so, with a nod, she followed his advice and fled the scene of her crime.

-+-

Ohgi gasped and caught her in a hug as soon as she'd stumbled into the Black Knight's mobile base in the ghettoes. Losing herself, Kallen burrowed deeper into his chest and sobbed—sobbed for Naoto and what he must think of her now, sobbed for Lelouch and the others on the Student Council for the pain she'd caused, and most of all, sobbed for Suzaku who'd been simultaneously a friend and an enemy.

"What happened?" Ohgi breathed, patting her back.

Tamaki took a swig of beer and threw out, "Yeah, Kallen, who died?"

That made Kallen bawl harder and clutch at Ohgi's Black Knight jacket like a lifeline. The deputy commander frowned at his insensitive friend, who just scratched his head.

Tohdoh looked up from the couch from where he'd been discussing matters with his faithful Four Holy Swords. "Kozuki?" he asked, concerned for the young ace pilot despite their brief time together thus far.

At that moment, Diethard swept into the main room, took one look at Kallen, and discerned, "Ah, so you were able to do it after all. That's excellent, Kallen."

The others all gaped at the Britannian Black Knight.

"Do...what?" Ohgi ventured, holding Kallen tighter. His gaze was suspicious as he stared down the blond media man.

"Kill Kururugi, of course," explained Diethard without shame.

At once, the others startled.

"What?!" roared Tohdoh, standing up with his fists clenched. "Zero didn't... We agreed that Suzaku would be unharmed!" His normally stoic expression morphed into disgust and fury.

Kallen jerked at that, eyes wide and still swimming with tears. "What?" she croaked. "You said...it would help Zero..."

"It _will_ help Zero," Diethard assured her with a hard look at the Japanese resistance fighters. "Kururugi was a thorn in our side. Now he's eliminated. It's the best thing for the Black Knights."

"That's not your call to make!" protested Ohgi, turning Kallen away from the blond man's pleased gaze. "He was just a kid, Diethard. We could've done something differently..."

Shaking his head, Diethard looked at the other two men who were part of Zero's inner circle. "You're just upset because Kururugi meant something to you a long time ago," he pointed out to Tohdoh. "And you're just upset because you used to be a teacher and you can't stand young people being hurt," he tacked on with a smirk in Ohgi's direction. "However, I'm able to see the best course of action for the future of our organization because I'm not tied down by sentimentality like you two are."

Tohdoh stepped forward and drew his katana. "How dare you," he hissed.

"What about Zero?" Ohgi asked. "Zero wasn't in favor of killing Kururugi when you brought this up before."

Kallen swayed on her feet, letting Ohgi support her completely. "He wasn't?" she cried in disbelief and horror. "I...I killed Suzaku for nothing..." So saying, she lurched to the side and heaved. Ohgi didn't let go, even as she started throwing up the contents of her stomach. He just held her through it all, trying to be a good brother figure in Naoto's absence.

Diethard rolled his eyes. "It wasn't for nothing," he repeated. "Zero will be pleased. You'll see."

-+-

"I am the most displeased I have _ever_ been with you," Zero explained his view on the matter, voice icy calm and all the more terrifying for it. His inner circle was gathered in front of him in his private quarters, consisting of Diethard, Tohdoh, Ohgi, and Kallen. Rakshata had chosen to forgo this meeting, wanting instead to work on the Guren Mk-II. The lights flickered.

Kallen bravely stepped forward, chin quivering. "I'm sorry, Zero," she murmured, her voice scratching like sandpaper across her throat. Ohgi followed her and put a hand on her shoulder.

Zero turned his masked face to his ace pilot. "It's not your fault," he responded stiffly.

"But I stabbed him!" Kallen protested. Ohgi squeezed her shoulder.

"I know," Zero allowed with a dip of his head. "I was—but you were put up to it," he amended, turning sharply to look at his new Chief of Media Operations. "Why?" he demanded, voice ringing. "Why did you tell Kallen to—to—" He broke off and tilted his head down to the side, uncharacteristically at a loss for words.

Diethard held his ground. "I was acting in the best interests of the Black Knights," he repeated himself. "We had an in to Kururugi through Kallen at Ashford Academy. It was the best way to take him out. Fewer risks this way."

Zero folded his arms across his chest, his cape slightly askew. "And if the police arrested our best pilot for murder?" he pointed out scathingly.

Diethard shrugged one shoulder. "We would rescue her, of course," he said. "But as it turns out, Kallen was skilled enough to take care of Kururugi without being caught."

Kallen shuffled uneasily, attracting the others' attention. "Actually," she mumbled, "someone did see. But...I don't think it's going to be a problem." She twisted her hands together.

Diethard raised an eyebrow. "This is the first I'm hearing about this," he said with surprise. "What happened?"

Feeling a chill, Kallen wrapped her arms around herself as she recounted, "I got Suzaku—Kururugi—alone in the kitchen and stabbed him a whole bunch of times. He didn't...even try to fight back..."

"Odd," said Diethard. "You'd think a trained soldier would react on instinct."

Tohdoh lowered his head, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply through his nose. "Perhaps," he said lowly, "Suzaku's instincts guided him in another direction."

Kallen gave the experienced samurai a puzzled look through her tears. "I think so," she agreed. "Anyway, he fell to the ground and started bleeding out when...when..." She stopped to take a couple deep breaths before continuing, "His best friend came into the kitchen and saw what happened."

Tohdoh's head snapped up. Diethard pursed his lips. Ohgi gasped.

Zero pulled his cape completely around himself.

"He...they..." Kallen remembered. "They said their good-byes. It was strange, though. Suzaku didn't want to call 911, and Lelouch...he...he told Suzaku something like, 'Die like you want' before promising to stay with him."

Tohdoh nodded knowingly. "I see," he said with a sigh. "Even after all this time, he still..." He turned his back on the others, and everyone knew not to remark about his trembling shoulders.

Kallen took another shuddering breath. "Once Suzaku died, Lelouch looked...exceptionally distraught. I can't blame him. But he still...and this is what's really bugging me...instead of retaliating against me, he told me to 'go.' He even gave me an escape route I hadn't thought about." She shook her head, trying to think through the fog. "It doesn't make any sense."

"That is weird," agreed Ohgi. "You'd think he..."

"Perhaps he didn't want to lose _another_ friend," Zero interjected. "He must have known your heart wasn't in it. He didn't truly blame you or want you to suffer."

Kallen blinked. Despite Lelouch's smarminess, he _had_ hidden her true personality from the others on the Student Council after their encounter in the bathroom. "Maybe," she said softly. "I owe him. For covering for me."

Tohdoh finally turned around again. "Kozuki," he said. "What did you say this boy's name was?"

"Lelouch," Kallen answered. "Lamperouge. He's a Britannian boy in our class."

Tohdoh narrowed his eyes. "The first name sounds familiar," he reflected.

Kallen gave herself a little shake. "They were childhood friends," she recalled. "They got very tight-lipped if anyone started asking details, but they've always been very close from what I've gathered."

Sighing, Tohdoh nodded. "I see."

"You know this boy?" Diethard asked. "You were part of Suzaku's childhood, so it stands to reason that—"

"Yes," Tohdoh barked, glaring at the Britannian blond. "I remember him."

Zero stiffened in the background.

"And," Diethard pressed, "how should we proceed? Can we trust this boy not to reveal Kallen to the authorities?"

Tohdoh closed his eyes and thought. "I believe," he said at long last, "that Lelouch knows how to keep secrets."

Zero visibly relaxed and stepped closer to his underlings. "I agree," he said, his voice echoing from behind the mask, "and _I'll_ verify it personally." He stared at Diethard again before shifting his weight and scornfully ordering, "You're to relieve Tamaki of janitorial duties for the next month for going behind my back and leaving our best pilot emotionally unstable." He spared a glance at Kallen before adding dryly, "Be grateful I'm not putting a gun to your head for insubordination. You're also not to involve yourself in military matters. _Ever_. I will wrap up this mess and then we'll move forward with our plans for crushing Britannia."

Exhaling, Diethard relented. "Yes, Zero, of course…"

Kallen wiped at her eyes. "And _my_ punishment, Zero?" she questioned.

Zero stared at her for a long moment. "I believe you're tortured enough, Kallen," he finally answered. "Just find a way to live through this. Just _live_."

Kallen inhaled sharply at his words, reminding her oddly enough of Lelouch (" _Suzaku, live! LIVE!_ "), as she struggled with a dark regret and a deep emptiness that had nowhere to go.

-+-

Princess Euphemia insisted on a public broadcast honoring her late Knight and his achievements.

-+-

"You should attend his private funeral," Zero advised his ace pilot in private. "For closure, if nothing else."

Kallen shook her head. "How can I?" she gasped. The world seemed to sway beneath her, and her chest felt tight. "I...I killed him..."

"You gave him what he wanted," Zero corrected her, almost gently. "He died with a smile on his face."

Her face wrinkling in confusion, Kallen explained, "That's just because his best friend was there."

Zero was silent for a long moment. "Kallen," he finally ventured, "When I was a boy, I saw my mother die in front of me."

Kallen jerked back, shocked. "Z-Zero!" she breathed. She wasn't expecting him to open up to her so suddenly. Was he trying to connect with her? "I...didn't know...you don't have to..." Why was her mysterious leader sharing something so personal?

"More recently," Zero continued as if she hadn't spoken, "I saw my best friend die before me. For all my power, I couldn't manage to save him." He hesitated. "His death was even my own fault because I was too indecisive about how to handle him." He paused. "I had to go through what happened with my mother all over again, but this time knowing it was ultimately my doing that led to his end." For once, his hands were clenched into tight fists at his sides instead of doing crazy gestures.

Kallen sniffled. "Z-Zero..." She clenched a hand over her heart.

The masked leader took a step closer to her. "If I can brave my best friend's funeral knowing I'm to blame, then you can go to Suzaku's."

"But I'll implicate myself—"

Zero shook his head swiftly. "No," he explained. "You'd look suspicious by _not_ going to his funeral. As far as everyone is aware, you're his friend from the Student Council."

Kallen took a step back. "But...but...what if..."

"There is absolutely nothing linking you to the crime," Zero assured her. "There is no evidence whatsoever. I've taken care of everything. Suzaku's murder will forever remain an unsolved mystery."

Tilting her head, Kallen wondered at how her heroic leader could manage all his miracles. Clearing her throat, she mentioned, "I'll...probably see Lelouch at the funeral."

"It will be fine," Zero said confidently. "You don't need to worry about that."

Kallen swallowed. "He knows everything."

"He knows enough not to say anything," Zero corrected. He moved closer to stand directly in front of her. "Kallen," he intoned, "You owe it to yourself _and_ Suzaku to say good-bye." He put a hand on her shoulder, making her jump; he'd _never_ touched _anyone_ before to her knowledge. _Except maybe C.C._ , a nasty voice in her head reminded her. Zero cleared his throat. "You won't be alone. I promise. Go."

" _Go," Lelouch snarled, snapping the order at her._

Taking a deep breath, Kallen let it out and decided.

-+-

"Suzaku was a true friend," Lelouch finished, stepping back. He lowered his head respectfully as dirt started to pile on top of the casket.

Kallen didn't need to force fake tears. The weight of her sin was crushing her, and she cringed from the others' heartbreak. Shirley was freely crying, and Milly's eyes were wet with tears. Rivalz had a hand over his face. Nunnally was shaking and weeping in her wheelchair, held carefully by Sayoko who herself looked upset. Even Nina sniffled for the Eleven. Only the members of the Student Council were present for this private farewell ceremony, the world—including Princess Euphemia and military personnel—having already held a public one open to the masses.

"I'll miss ya, man," Rivalz cried. "You were...a great pal..."

Lelouch raised his chin, violet eyes snapping towards Kallen's. His gaze captured hers, and she felt herself shiver from the emotion swirling deep in his eyes.

Sayoko rolled Nunnally closer to whisper her good-byes, and eventually took her away to calm down.

Milly pressed an arm against her eyes for a long moment, then looked between Lelouch and the patch of dirt. "How are you holding up, Lelouch?" she asked, tone soft and compassionate. Kallen froze at the question.

"Yeah, you were closest to him," Rivalz remembered.

Shirley glanced at the black-haired boy with watery eyes but couldn't bring herself to speak.

"I'm holding up," Lelouch answered neutrally. "I just...would like a moment with Suzaku."

Milly nodded understandingly. "Whatever you need, Lelouch," she murmured gently. "Whenever you're ready, we'll be waiting for you in the Student Council room." With that promise, she gestured for the others to follow her and they respectfully left Suzaku's best friend to his private mourning.

Kallen walked with the others for a moment before biting out some excuse—she couldn't even remember what—and doubling back to stand by Lelouch over Suzaku's grave. She wanted to ask him about why he'd kept her secret—was Zero's reasoning right?—and tell him...

"I'm sorry."

Oddly enough, it was Lelouch who'd spoken, catching Kallen by surprise. "What do you mean?" she asked, breath hitching. "That should be my line." If Naoto's killer had appeared before her, she certainly didn't think she could act as acceptingly as Lelouch was being. Perhaps she'd misjudged him after all.

Lelouch shook his head, face solemn. "No," he refuted. "You're bearing the burden of this tragedy."

"Because I...I..." She couldn't bring herself to voice the words, so out in the open—so close to Suzaku's body.

Lelouch shook his head again. "It wasn't you," he said firmly. He finally turned to look at her. "Maybe it was by your hand," he admitted, "but you were acting as a puppet." Ignoring her scandalized face, he looked to the ground and said, "Besides that, Suzaku would forgive you. He was just that kind of person." His hands clenched into fists and he bowed his head again, long black bangs hiding his expression. "He _wanted_ to die," he finally growled through gritted teeth.

"Why?" Kallen asked quickly, determined to get that answered. Lelouch had brought it up while Suzaku lay dying, and Tohdoh had seemed to tie together that truth.

Huffing, Lelouch lowered himself to the gravesite. He was silent for a long time, weighing his words, before explaining, "When Suzaku was a child, he impulsively did something terrible that's haunted him ever since." He pressed one fist against the patch of dirt. "He's hated himself for years, and he's wanted everyone else to hate him just as much. He's been trying to atone for his sin by putting himself in deathly situations..." Tears started to pour unnoticed down his cheeks, and Lelouch actually punched the dirt, making Kallen's eyes widen. "He was so stupid," the Britannian boy croaked. "He didn't need to atone for anything that way. He should've just moved on and lived. He should've _lived_. Even I couldn't give him enough reason..."

Kallen knelt down beside him and tentatively put a hand on his back. "Lelouch, I..."

"Don't say you're sorry," Lelouch rasped. "Don't go there, Kallen. I know how torn apart you are. You need to forgive yourself, like I've forgiven you—like Suzaku would forgive you."

Kallen hummed thoughtfully, feeling her cheeks grow wet again. She pressed her own hand flat to the grave and closed her eyes. She lost herself in her memories, doubts, regrets, and confusion. Her feelings overwhelmed her, but somehow she was able to bear it with Lelouch's steadying presence by her side. She mentally apologized to the Japanese boy, this friend whom she'd tricked into a violent death. She explained everything to him, begging repeatedly for his forgiveness. Finally, she opened her eyes. "Suzaku never forgave _himself_ ," she realized.

"I don't want that end for you, too, Kallen," Lelouch proclaimed, whipping his head up to stare at her. His eyes were intense.

Face crumpling, Kallen kept his gaze for a moment before looking back at the dirt. "I don't know what to do," she admitted with another sob. She was surprised when she felt Lelouch move to wrap her in a light hug, and somehow she felt better that he seemed to be carrying some of the heaviness.

Lelouch nodded over her shoulder. "Then let me," he said, voice broken, "let me give you a reason to live, Kallen."

-+-

Zero kept her and the rest of the Black Knights busy when Kyushu attacked thereafter, pushing Lelouch's promise to the back of her mind.

-+-

On Zero's orders, Kallen pushed through her misery and attended Ashford Academy, same as always but for Suzaku's looming absence.

-+-

Princess Euphemia declared her plan for a new Special Zone, where Japanese could be free to be Japanese. She ended her announcement with a dedication to her fallen Knight.

-+-

"The Special Zone was created in honor of Suzaku's memory," Kallen shared with the rest of the Black Knights. They all knew how guilty she still felt at her actions. "I knew Suzaku well enough to know he'd have wanted this," she argued. "It's...all I can do for him..."

Diethard frowned and opened his mouth to protest, but Zero held up a hand.

"There's nothing wrong with finding out more information from Princess Euphemia about how this Specially Administrated Zone would work," the masked leader said, his input causing the hushed conversations to die down. "We can decide on an appropriate course of action from there." He crossed his legs and folded his arms, leaning back against the couch. "Of course, we'll have to put guarantees in place if we decide to support the Zone." He turned to Diethard personally and reminded him, voice deadly, "And remember, you don't get a say."

Diethard jerked back as if struck. "Zero," he reasoned, "this isn't simply a military matter."

Zero only ignored him, rose to his feet, and climbed the stairs to his private quarters. Kallen bit her lip before following.

"Zero," she called, and was quiet before the door slid shut behind them. "Do you...understand why I want the Special Zone to work?" She knew that, had she not killed Suzaku, she would have been vehemently opposed to any false freedom offered by the Britannian enemy. Going through his murder had given her a change of perspective, and she truly felt she owed something to the late Japanese soldier who'd died due to a misunderstanding. Who'd died by _her hand_.

Inclining his masked head, Zero answered, "Yes, Kallen, I feel the same way."

The schoolgirl pilot raised her head, eyes shining with relief. "You do?"

Zero turned slowly to face her. "Kallen," he said. "You've been throwing yourself into your Black Knight duties. Have you found a reason to live?"

Kallen determinedly lifted her chin, feeling somehow a little stronger than before. Again, Lelouch's words echoed in her mind (" _Let me give you a reason to live, Kallen_ "). She still didn't understand what he'd meant, but she'd discovered (or rather, rediscovered) her own purpose—to bring freedom and equality to the Japanese people. She'd make all her actions count, no matter her past. It was a resolve not unlike the one she'd adopted after Shirley's father had died, only this was far more personal. "I have," she answered. "You've given me opportunity to change the world for the better."

"And Suzaku?"

Kallen turned to the side, feeling her chest ache. It would always ache. "I won't forget him," she vowed. "He was my friend and he wanted good things for all people. I'll do right by him. I'll help free the Japanese, for him and myself. I won't let my mistake with him hold me back. I'll make everything up to him. " When Naoto had died, Kallen had developed her piloting skills so she could fight for the cause he no longer could. Now that Suzaku had died—because of her—she experienced another paradigm shift. She would still fight, would always fight, but would try to consider all her options—including those she'd have previously denounced on hot-headed instinct alone. She would fight for Suzaku, too.

Again, Zero nodded. "Then my promise to you is fulfilled."

"What?"

Zero put a hand up to his mask. "We'll do right by Suzaku with the Special Zone," he agreed, taking off his mask and tossing his head. Familiar, intense violet eyes pierced Kallen's. "We owe it to him to finish this the right way." He reached up to tug on the black half-mask cloth covering the lower portion of his face. " _I_ owe it to him for covering up details about his death and letting him go unavenged. My best friend...but no, he'd never want you hurt. No more...no more needless deaths. We've lost too much already." He swallowed. " _Suzaku's_ death crossed a line." It was clear to the schoolgirl pilot that the loss had shaken Lelouch on a fundamental level.

Kallen took a step back, hands twitching. "Le...Lelou..." She couldn't even get his name past her trembling lips. Lelouch Lamperouge stared at her, clad in Zero's costume but for his mask. This wasn't possible. But this...actually...explained so much...

"We didn't have a choice before, but now... If Britannia is willing to give us this much in response to our resistance efforts, then we can build on it," Zero—Lelouch—summed up. "We'll need to verify the Empire's intentions, of course, but I do trust that Euphy—Euphemia, at least, is genuine."

Kallen's head was reeling as she tried to keep up.

The unmasked Zero glared at his chess set across the room. "I am furious at how her move is splitting the Black Knights apart, but every time I start to lose myself in madness, I think of Suzaku." His face pinched, and he lowered himself to his chair and clasped his now-trembling hands together. "I owe him so much...and maybe he was right after all. Maybe the means to peace are as important as the ends. I'm not completely discounting my old beliefs, but I need to at least check into the Zone for Suzaku's sake." He looked up, purple eyes shimmering, and vowed, "I'm _going_ to make him proud, Kallen."

Unable to speak, Kallen merely nodded. Her eyes stung. At last, she forced out, "Me too."

-+-

Kallen was flabbergasted when Princess Euphemia agreed to meet with her and Zero privately in the G-1 and started their secretive discussion with, "You can take off your mask, Lelouch. I've already cut all the cameras and microphones."

After ensuring everything was truly safe, Zero actually removed his mask. He looked as surprised as Kallen that the Third Princess had discerned his true identity.

"You said too much at Lake Kawaguchi," the pink-haired princess explained with a happy giggle. "You don't have to worry. I haven't told anyone about you."

Jaw dropping, Kallen moved protectively in front of her leader. She didn't trust Britannian royalty.

"And Cornelia?" Zero—Lelouch—pressed wonderingly.

Euphemia only shook her head. "My sister never listens to me, and besides...I didn't want her to go after you." She took a deep breath. "I lost you and Nunnally years ago, Lelouch. I lost Clovis. I just lost Suzaku. I didn't want to lose you all over again if it turned out I was right." Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

Kallen raised an eyebrow as Lelouch ducked under her outstretched arm and walked to the Third Princess, seemingly in some kind of emotional daze.

"Nunnally's alive, too," he said simply, and swept Euphemia into a tight hug. "Euphy," he choked, "I'm so, so sorry about Suzaku. I never wanted... Things got out of hand."

Euphemia clung to him, just as desperate. "I see," she murmured. "He was...important to you, too."

Lelouch didn't answer except to hug her tighter. "Let's make this Special Zone work for him," he said instead. His voice and stance were resolute.

Euphy pulled back and nodded. "I'm glad to have you back, Lelouch," she sniffled. "I only wish every dead loved one would reappear in front of me."

"That can't happen," Lelouch intoned sadly, brushing a gloved hand down Euphy's hair. "But together we can ensure that no one else has to lose a loved one in the future."

Kallen took a step forward, face determined. She didn't understand Zero's—Lelouch's—connection to Princess Euphemia, but they all had the same vision in mind. The same vision that Suzaku had held. She would make it a reality, because she'd taken from him his chance to do it himself. "I want to build a better future," the schoolgirl pilot said. All the other details would come when it was time, she was sure. "Let's get started."

-+-

Suzaku would have been happy at how the Special Zone slowly came together, and Kallen felt a tiny fraction of the pervasive tightness in her chest loosen at the thought. Though the Japanese boy was no longer with them, he still influenced the world. His impact showed in every move Lelouch and she made to bring about peaceful change.

For the first time since Suzaku's death, Kallen smiled and let herself move forward into the future.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Plot bunny to fulfill that "what-if" in episode 18 of R1. I was trying for platonic closeness throughout, but I can see hints or allusions to Lelouch/Suzaku, Lelouch/Kallen, and Euphemia/Suzaku (and maybe even Lelouch/Euphemia?) insofar as emotional connections. Read into whatever you please. :D
> 
> Maybe the Zone succeeds, or maybe it fails. It doesn't matter. This was about Kallen's emotional journey, and starting the Zone helped her begin to move on. So. /Endfic
> 
> Um, I love Suzaku. I really, really do. :D?


End file.
